10 Funny Catholic Jokes

A collection of clean Catholic Christian jokes to start off your day with a laugh for the Lord.

Catholic Christian Jokes #1:

Knock …
… and the Door shall be opened to thee

A pastor went out one Saturday to visit his church members. At one house it was obvious that someone was home, but nobody came to the door even though the pastor had knocked several times. Finally, the pastor took out his card and wrote “Revelations 3:20″ on the back of it, and stuck it in the door.

{Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him and him with me.}

The next day, the card turned up in the collection plate. Below the pastor’s message was the notation “Genesis 3:10″.

{I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.}

Catholic Christian Jokes #2:

Morning Prayer

Dear Lord,

So far today Lord, I’ve done alright. I haven’t gossiped, haven’t lost my temper, haven’t been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, nor over-indulgent. And I’m very thankful to you for that.

But……….In a few minutes, Lord, I’m probably going to need a lot more help because I’m going to get out of bed!!!!!

Catholic Christian Jokes #3:

Ratzinger Joke

Karl Rahner, Hans Kung and Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger all die on the same day, and go to meet St. Peter to know their fate.

St. Peter approaches the three of them, and tells them that he will interview each of them to discuss their views on various issues.

He then points at Rahner and says “Karl! In my office…” After 4 hours, the door opens, and Rahner comes stumbling out of St. Peter’s office. He is highly distraught, and is mumbling things like “Oh God, that was the hardest thing I’ve ever done! How could I have been so wrong! So sorry…never knew…” He stumbles off into Heaven, a testament to the mercy of Our God.

St. Peter follows him out, and sticks his finger in Kung’s direction and “Hans! You’re next…” After 8 hours, the door opens, and Kung comes out, barely able to stand. He is near collapse with weakness and a crushed spirit. He , too, is mumbling things like “Oh God, that was the hardest thing I’ve ever done! How could I have been so wrong! So sorry…never knew…” He stumbles off into Heaven, a testament to the mercy of Our God.

Lastly, St. Peter, emerging from his office, says to Cardinal Ratzinger, “Joseph, your turn.” TWELVE HOURS LATER, St. Peter stumbles out the door, apparently exhausted, saying “Oh God, that’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done…”

Catholic Christian Jokes #4:

III Corinthians
St Paul’s 3rd Letter to the Corinthians

The Way Named Straight
Tarsus, Province of Syria

My Dear Corinthians:

I, Paul, by the will of God an Apostle, having written twice to you on several matters of great importance now find myself compelled to write a third time.

I’m mad as hell, and I’m not going to take it any more.

SHAPE UP!

Paul, by the grace of God, Apostle to the Gentiles

Catholic Christian Jokes #5:

Dominican Joke

A Franciscan and Jesuit were debating which order was the greatest. So, they decided to ask for a sign from God. This is what they received falling down from heaven:

My sons,

Please stop bickering about such trivial matters,

GOD, O.P.

Catholic Christian Jokes #6:

Jesuit Joke

Sts Dominic, Francis and Ignatius of Loyola are transported back in time and place to the Birth of Our Lord.

St Dominic, seeing the Incarnation of the Word, is sent into ecstasy.

St Francis, seeing God become a helpless child, is overcome with humility.

St Ignatius of Loyola takes St Joseph and Our Lady aside and asks “Have you given any thought to His education?”

Catholic Christian Jokes #7:

Bible According to Kids

(The jewels found below are said to be written by actual students and are genuine, authentic, and unretouched… Compiled by Richard Lederer. They appear in the 12/31/95 issue of National Review.)

“In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating theworld, so he took the Sabbath off.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.”

“The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.”

“Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.”

The first commandement was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.”

“Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.”

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. he fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.”

“When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.”

“When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.”

“Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, ‘a man doth not live by sweat alone.’”

“It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.”

“The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.”

“The epistles were the wives of the apostles.”

“One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.”

“St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.”

“A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.”

Catholic Christian Jokes #8:

Christian Pickup Lines

  1. Nice bible.
  2. I would like to pray with you.
  3. You know Jesus? Hey, me too!
  4. God told me to come talk to you.
  5. I know a church where we could go and talk.
  6. How about a hug, sister/brother?
  7. Do you need help carrying your bible? It looks heavy.
  8. Christians don’t shake hands; Christians gotta hug!
  9. Oh you are cold, Ecclesiastes 4:11.
  10. Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?
  11. What are your plans for tonight? Feel like a bible study?
  12. I am here for you.
  13. The word says “Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry”; how about dinner?
  14. You don’t have an accountability partner? Me neither.
  15. You want to come over and watch the 10 commandments tonight?
  16. Is it a sin that you stole my heart?
  17. Would you happen to know a Christian man/woman that I could love with all my heart and wait on hand and foot?
  18. Nice braclet. What would Jesus date? I mean “do”.
  19. Do you believe in Divine appointment?
  20. Have you ever tried praying at a drive in movie before?
  21. (For the ladies) Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.
  22. My friend told me to come and meet you, he said that you are a really nice person. I think you know him. Jesus, yeah, that’s his name.
  23. You know they say that you have never really dated, until you have dated a christian.
  24. Yeah, I predicted David over Goliath.
  25. What? Friends listen to Amazing Grace in the dark.

Catholic Christian Jokes #9:

Finding a Wife
The Top 15 Biblical Ways to Acquire a Wife

Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she’s yours.
– Deuterononmy (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)

Find a prostitute and marry her.
– Hosea (Hosea 1:1-3)

Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.
– Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)

Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal.
– Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)

Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife.
– Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)

Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib.
– Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)

Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman’s hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That’s right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman.
– Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)

Cut off 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law’s enemies and get his daughter for a wife.
– David (I Samuel 18:27)

Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you’ll definitely find someone. (It’s all relative of course.)
– Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)

Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest.
– Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)

When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, “I have seen a …woman; now get her for me.” If your parents question your decision, simply say, “Get her for me. She’s the one for me.”
– Samson (Judges 14:1-3)

Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though).
– David (2 Samuel 11)

Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It’s not just a good idea, it’s the law).
– Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)

Don’t be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity.
– Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)

A wife?…NOT!!!
– Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)

Catholic Christian Jokes #10:

Catholic Humour on Confession
A Catholic boy and a Jewish boy were talking and the Catholic boy said, “My priest knows more than your rabbi.” The Jewish boy said, “Of course he does, you tell him everything.”

Catholic Humour on Baptism
After the Baptism of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, “That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, but I want to stay with you guys.”